A few weeks ago I was back in Boston visiting some friends and a series of events triggered my memory and I decided to finally write this long-awaited post.
There are several ways to split a check at a bar or restaurant. For some reason, whatever way the table chooses to deal with the check, I always seem to be the one getting short-changed. The following are the various ways I have encountered check splitting and as far as I can tell, none of them work out, well, at least to my advantage.
1. The 5-Way. The check arrives at the table and someone in your party of 5 announces: "Ah, let's just spilt the check 5 ways." Freeze. My mind races as I recount what I ordered: one beer, and the vegetarian curry. I quickly compare my dinner with those at the table who ordered appetizers, fancy mixed drinks, and expensive meat dishes. Not wanting to be the miser of the group and remind everyone that my dinner was only $11 + tax and tip, I bite my tongue, and begrudgingly put $30 on my credit card.
2. The "I have to head out." Right after everyone takes their last bite of Pho noodle soup, one person at a table of 6 says: "Sorry guys! I have to head out! I'm meeting some friends downtown for a birthday party." They throw a wad of cash on the table, put their coat on, and walk out the door- never to be heard from again. This person is usually a friend of a friend, or someone's new boy or girlfriend. No one has the guts to grab the cash at this point and count it. So, the wad sits there until the check comes and when it does, someone finally grabs the cash, counts it, and throws the abandoned $12 in the pile of money accumulating in the center of the table. When everyone has examined the check, put their portion in, another person (usually the same one who grabbed the abandoned cash) takes all the money and begins to count. There's a moment of silence- a bit of nervousness goes around the table until the check MC announces: "We're $5 short. Everybody throw in another dollar." Wait a second. How does that asshole who left early get out of paying tax and tip on their soup and drink? Again, I convince myself, it's only a dollar, and fork it over.
3. The No Cash option. Several times, I've gone to a restaurant without any cash whatsoever. In fact, my last dime was shoved in the parking meter outside and even that wasn't enough to get me another 15 minutes. So, after a wonderful brunch complete with omelets, coffee, and home fries, the dreaded check arrives and everyone whips out their wallet. I get out mine and quickly remember I'm going plastic this morning. I announce this to the two other diners sitting with me and they usually reply by giving me their cash and telling me to put the whole bill on my credit card. At first I'm happy about this: cash money! Awesome. After handing the card to the waiter and getting the form back to sign, I calculate a $7 tip on a $38 check, walk out of the restaurant, grab the parking ticket off my car, and hastily count the cash I was given. Total: $25. I drive away debating if my $20 breakfast was worth my $35 parking ticket.
4. The separate check route. There will be times, usually with a smaller table, when diners decide to do separate checks. This also depends on the establishment (many times, bars and restaurants refuse to do more than one check per party). Three of us go out for beers and because I didn't get a chance to eat dinner, I order an appetizer of nachos. The oh-so-kind waitress brings out the piping hot nachos and three plates, and three napkin-wrapped bunches of silverware (which no one uses for nachos anyways). Hummm... there goes my dinner. I think to myself while my friends dig in: "Who in their right mind would deny their friends the opportunity to chow down on tasty nachos?" The checks come and I look at mine already sensing my impending doom. Two $4 beers and the $7 nachos. I put down $19 dollars and leave starving.
Oh, and don't think you might as well order the most expensive thing on the menu and ask for 4 refills on that martini, because just when you do, the table decides they don't want to do the 5-way anymore, but rather: "We'll take separate checks."
